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diary
08-02-2025. The desire to love consumes me. And it’s not that I want to be loved in return, I simply want to give my all to someone. Them loving me back is optional. I have this immense and burning longing for memories I haven't even had. Memories I continuously create in my head. They are composed of acts of tender love; a woman braiding my hair, me entwining my fingers into hers, she caresses my frail and pale hand as I count her freckles or moles or maybe just as I look into her eyes and drown willingly. I don’t ask for salvation. I muffle my instinctual cries for survival. And I drown. Again and again.
This desire is ruining me because I impose this romanticized vision on my human connections and most people don’t truly understand nor are willing to share this love with me or simply accept it. I just feel desperate for a love understanding and gentle. For a woman who lets me love her and loves me. But it is so distant I almost can’t see any trace of it.
I have to learn to cope with this desire and channel it in other things but I know it won’t ease the pain. It won’t make it any easier.
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